Alex and the Ironic Gentleman

This review is (obviously) about Alex and the Ironic Gentleman, by Adrienne Kress. Before we continue, I must tell you that if I could do so, I would put a huge stamp over this whole article that reads: Warning, spoiler alert. Why? Because the spoiler warning is so important it’s insignificant! And here is another warning, if you do not like any of the things on the following list, then please do not read this article:

  • Comedy
  • Things that are completely impossible
  • Ridiculous things
  • Tempermental cats
  • Talking creatures from the seafloor
  • The sea
  • The sky
  • The colour burgundy
  • Little old ladies who drive slowly

If you do not like any of the above, then do not read this article. But I do not see how you would be able to read anything that is actually interesting, other than a possible hidden gem among completely boring and dusty old books with moth eaten bindings. I do hope you notice I am trying to be funny, and most obviously failing, which is what makes this funny. And I also apologize for this, because I am probably this hyper because of the chocolate and peppermint milk I mentioned in my previous post. But this is not a proper book review yet, so I had better get on with it before someone comes and reads this over my shoulder and then yells in my ear with deafening volume “GET ON WITH IT!”, because no one is interested in a book review that tells you nothing about the book. So let’s get on with it.

The book’s heroine is named Alexandra Morningside. A very good name in my opinion. Why do I think it is a good name? Because it has the letters x and g in it. But if you want that in alphabetical order, it would be g and x. Judging by the five straight minutes of giggling I just had after typing the “x.”, I would say that I am most definitely on a sugar hype. But back to the review. Alex is unusually small, and because of the haircut her uncle usually gives her, she looks like a boy. And she does not usually wear skirts, unless she goes to school. Her year-six teacher, Mr. Underwood, is a very nice, if very strange, man. At the sound of the school bell he jumped, and when Alex said “Gosh you’re paranoid”, his reply was “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not after you”, which is quite strange, quite weird, quite interesting, quite amusing, quite funny, quite funny, so funny you want to roll around on the floor laughing and…..! Okay cut that line of thought, it’s getting boring.
In a couple of months, thanks to Mr. Underwood’s excellent ideas, she learns how to fence during P.E. class, which is most marvelous. I am almost envious, but am not sure if I would like the idea of getting poked with a blunted sword. At one point, Mr. Underwood’s house gets blown up. Now, I will give you my favorite quote from the whole blinking book, and I will only give it to you because I like my readers so very very much. Here it is.

“Dr. Brunswick watched silently (and by “silently” I mean accidentally knocking over a garbage bin and then kicking it in rage).”

It went something like that. That quote makes me laugh every time. Dr. Brunswick is very large, and very strange, and wears a monocle (how much stranger can you get? Please know I am joking. Things can be so easily misinterpreted over the internet). Anyway, Alex finds that Mr. Underwood is the descendant of a pirate known as the Infamous Wigpowder. The founder of the academy Alex goes to (which is prestigious, how do you know it’s prestigious? It has the word “academy” in it’s title). The academy’s proper title though is The Wigpowder-Steele academy. The surname “Steele” is only in there because……. oh drat it I’ve forgotten, you’ll have to read it. In fact, you should read it, and I should stop giving you the information, even though we are not even through the second chapter for spoilers, and the book is four hundred and four pages long. Why did I write four hundred and four out instead of just putting in 404? Because 404 brings to mind the “404 error” on the computer when it doesn’t do something, and typing out “four hundred and four” looks a lot more impressive.
I’ll tell you this though, Alex is chased through the whole book by five old ladies who are completely bonkers called the Daughters of the Founding Father’s Preservation Society. There’s also a giant octopus (The Extremely Ginormous Octopus) who is fond of drinking (you know, the stuff they sell in pubs) and knows Godzilla, the Loch Ness Monster, and various other “monsters”, a fridge that talks called the MakeCool 6000, and an ill tempered cat named Giggles. Oh yes, I almost forgot, there is also a female pirate captain (how much more shocking can you get?). Oh, and there is a man named Jack who has a hammer named “Hammer”. How much more amusing can you get? The book is completely excellent, and ends in the most amusing and lovely way, and I really really really think you should read it. And seriously, my thinking you should read it is not just because of the sugar hype I am experiencing (even though I might be about to yell “Wheeeeeeeeee!” in the loudest quiet manner possible). I think every house should have this book, even if the house is abandoned. It is just that good. No wait…… every single person in the world should have their own personal copy of this book! That is how good I think it is. And just so you know, if you think it is a little ridiculous how all my book reviews say how much everyone should have the book, I would like to tell you something:

People do not usually review books they do not like.

– LCD

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About Adaraschia

I'm an aspiring author and lover of mythology. And wolves and my sister's Apple Cobbler. And horse stuff. And... [signal blocked]
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